- by Arashakar
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Even though we often feel like once we feel it they automatically should too. Some men feel comfortable expressing this emotion after the first few dates while, some men may hold out for a year or more. It all depends, and there are a variety of different factors that may delay these words from escaping his lips. And it doesn't necessarily mean that he's never going to feel that way, it just takes longer for some people to develop those emotions. They do most of the pursuing when it comes to dating and relationships, and they get turned down more times than they would like to admit.
After all, that's what you'd expect of your partner, right? That means the same goes for you. Before you say "I love you," make sure you're ready, that you really feel like you know this person, and that the love you're feeling feels genuine.
While the majority of people tend to wait three months or more before telling their partner they love them, like I mentioned before, every relationship is different, and that means that saying "I love you" is a different experience for everyone, too. You and your partner are the ones who set the precedent for how you want your relationship to be, so there really aren't any rules! Basically, you should say it when you feel it and it feels real again, this is key! That said, you want to be careful that you don't say it so soon into the relationship.
As Alessandra Conti, celebrity matchmaker at Matchmakers In The Citytold Elite Daily, "Love takes time to grow," so telling someone you love them after only a couple of weeks can signal that you actually love "the idea" of them.
It's also something to think about if you've been together for a very long time and it still hasn't been said. If you are ready to tell your partner you love them, make sure you don't do it with the expectation that they're going to say it back right away, or you might set yourself up to feel hurt. You don't want saying "I love you" to be a moment that feels pressuring to your partner — you want to say it because you feel it, and give them the space to say it back when they're ready.
You've just got to say it, own it, and let it drop, and not wait for how they feel or [worry about] 'did they say it back? In the end, when you're putting your emotions out there, feeling empowered in the process is so important. And whether your partner responds right away or takes time to reciprocate doesn't really matter.
What matters is that your relationship feels happy and healthy, and that you give yourself the space to say how you feel when you feel it. By Brittney Morgan. But he is. There is no motivator like pain. If he goes on with life just fine without her then they both have their answer.
I think this is a matter of different definitions for the same word. But this just seems to be him. How he does relationships and how he defines love. I really do think actions speak louder than words. So many people will say all the right things to get what they want, but to DO the right things? To be there for other people? To be honest even when you know it might hurt someone? Should I dump him? So many people tell all the time, but do not show in their actions.
To me this thread really signals the issues so many women have with dating and relationships. Obviously ultimately the OP needs to decide if she can wait and for how long she can wait. But at the same time. And in my opinion ought not to be tossed aside because of a semantic definition difference.
They met about 2 years before myself and my husband. They are in their early 40s. That said, she has effectively missed her opportunity to have children waiting for him to commit. Can these things work out — yes.
Can you put money on it — no. The bottom line for the OP is: are you happy and relaxed despite this situation or are you anxious and stressed on a daily basis? VM here. Thanks so much for answering my question, Evan.I Want Kids But My Husband Is Twice My Age - EXTREME LOVE
I really, truly appreciate your insight. I wrote this question about a month and a half ago, and as is often the case, the time delay led to interesting developments.
I was obviously super distressed at the time, and things blew up two days later. I guess I had let my anxiety build up inside me. I told him that our situation was causing me emotional pain. He said he never wanted to do anything to hurt me. I was hysterical for about 12 hours and then calmed down and started following all the advice from the book.
I reached out to friends and family for support to calm my attachment system. I wrote a list of reasons why we broke up and put it on my refrigerator. Friends offered to set me up when I was ready. I was sad and missed him, but honestly felt as optimistic and calm as one can be after a breakup. Four or five days later, he started calling me repeatedly and said we needed to talk.
He told me the breakup was a mistake, he really wanted to be with me, etc etc. Which definitely made me feel guilty for giving my phone number to a cute guy at a party over the weekend! He said he was going to try his absolute best to meet my emotional needs. He stopped short of saying he loved me. It was surprising for both of us how much I was able to move on in five days, versus him.
I think he values the relationship more now. Still no I love you. Yesterday we had our first petty fight since getting back together, and my attachment system immediately started freaking out.
Things would have to change and progress. Thank you very much for the update, VM. Very interesting developments. If I might add 2 cents…. At this point, his doing so would be like acquiescing to a demand from you and might make him feel at a power disadvantage. Perhaps, instead of focusing on the word love, I might suggest you be more concrete in your clarifications. You mentioned that you both envision a future of marriage and children, but did not clarify that he sees that future with YOU.
You mentioned that if things are still the same in 6 months that would be unacceptable to you — but what exactly do you think will change in 6 months? What would be the impetus for change? Is he about to graduate from school? Change jobs? Enter a new phase of life? If not, what is his motivation to suddenly decide to commit to you when he has been so unwilling to do so for 16 months?
You shook things up when the 2 of you broke up, so that motivated him to grab on to you again…. Nor did your being a great girlfriend for 16 months. So what do you think will make him want to commit, if commitment is what you seek? He stopped short of saying he loved you? Period, full stop. Burn that stupid book and go out meet some new guys.
Slap yourself sister. Take care of yourself. It did exactly the opposite. He now knows that he has all the power. And he is correct. I am glad you are giving it a limited time second chance, because this just might be the development that was needed. Maybe i missed something, but did you try to talk about what he is exactly feeling?
I just remembered a similar story from a friend of mine. For him to love someone is to promise to live happily ever after, no matter what. She realized that she is also very ambivalent about staying together with one person for the rest of her life and feels that they are navigating their way through the trappings of a long term relationship and what that actually means together.
Nothing has changed. HE is the one with an attachment issue. Maybe you should suggest that HE reads your book. For once, I agree with you wholeheartedly, KK. I may be an emotionally distant guy, but I cannot imagine being a in relationship with a woman for over sixteen months without knowing if I loved her. VM needs to kick this guy to the curb so hard that he gets a concussion because he does not know how to truly commit to a woman.
She is looking at being one of those mid-to-late thirties women who finds herself scrambling to find a dance partner if she continues down this path. Thank you for the update. This is such a tough scenario. One thing that keeps popping into my head as I read your original letter and the comments is that you need BOTH words and actions to be consistent.
A partner can be kind, express concern about our well being, and initiate time together to us.
Take home message is there is even though your boyfriend is doing the action part, there is nothing wrong with wanting and needing to hear the words. The only advice I can offer which may give you some clarity is to look out whether he talks about marriage and kids in the abstract or if he includes you in the picture. I walked. Like Stacy2, I then had a long period of grieving the relationship.
People talk about watching for signs the relationship is progressing. I did not expect for him to know whether or not he wanted to marry me at that point, and I was fine with that. I have never regretted my decision to leave that relationship. For me I would rather be alone for an indefinite amount of time, but have the chance to find love, than be in a relationship with someone who does not love me.
She had to remind him on his deathbed to make sure he told the kids he loved them. I am just a blog reader and cannot know your personal situation — but I wanted to let you know, as per your update, that you should definitely not feel guilty about giving out your phone number to someone else while you were broken up. That is completely within your right. So you have every right to meet whoever you want in that time.
And also, again, without knowing your exact personal situation, I wanted to let you know that you have every right to want a boyfriend or husband who will tell you that he loves you sooner than 16 months. For me, how someone would be able to express love and be vulnerable to that level would be an important part of getting to know someone.
I was as entitled to want what I wanted as they were to want what they wanted. Then, when VM is upset and heartbroken after it blows up for the final time her ex will reassert the fact that he has acted with integrity all along. He will say he never told her he loved her. I was never in love with her.
I never told her I loved her. Whether this guy has attachment issues or not, is something he needs to figure out for himself IF he wants to.
My partner and I have been a couple for 18 months. I love him—I have no problem writing that here. But I've never said "I love you" to him. I'm in love with my boyfriend of a year and 4 months, and he's not in love with me. My thought process: I didn't want to say I love you OR break things off until I . that I couldn't seriously date or consider any relationship for a year and a half. Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and he still hasn't told off as someone who doesn't love you, just because he's not communicating with.
It is a relationship of convenience for him. He has steady sex and someone with whom to do things. That is enough for some guys. Why put in effort to get a new girlfriend, when you already have one? And how many girls are going to stick around for 6 mos. But she might be leaving things out. Literally aside from not saying the words themselves he has done pretty much everything right — he has integrated her into his friends and family life, the sex is good, they see each other a lot, they talk about a future granted I did make an assumption there that they had discussed a future together not just in general, and that definitely does make a difference, I agree with the posters who said as much.
Remember how above she said she was shocked how much he missed her? I agree. The cool thing about boundaries is that because you are confident in them you can be more willing to see where things go. I will acknowledge that so many people here will think be naive, that people are thinking along the lines of YAG and all that. But I just think words and their meanings and how we express our feelings are so messy and complicated and imprecise that we need to go off of more than just word choice.
And yet. Which of course has led me to realise that the same emotion can be described so differently by different people. So yeah, I just have spent a while analysing the different ways people define love and personally find it fascinating as well. Literally aside from not saying the words themselves he has done pretty much everything right …. Nothing else can be inferred from this behavior about his feelings or LT intentions. This is simply evidence of nothing.
Men are wired differently this way.
Any time I ask him why not, he says he's not sure what love means Your sister is engaged within 18 months, and you're suddenly self-conscious that you' re three years into your But if you're dating an “acts of service” person, that person might be .. They soften clothes and cut drying time in half. The question is, why do so many couples break up within a year or two? You are starting to see through your love and are not always charmed by “If, after a year of dating, one or the other doesn't want to take that step. If you insist that he say I love you first, you can try to warm him up to the . it comes to dating and falling in love, and if your guy is just not ready to take . Years from now, neither of you will probably remember nor care who.
Men all behave kinda similarly. And we both come at it from different experiences clearly. And I have seen men who have a tough time articulating themselves, who are more grunts than sentences, be utterly devoted and take care of their wives and love them more than anything even if they almost never say the words. To me actions have always spoken louder. I think we just come at this differently.
And all I hope is that the OP listens to us both, takes both our POVs into consideration and then really examines which better suits her personal situation. Ultimately I just want her to be in a happy healthy relationship. If that means you are right on the money and she leaves him, then that would be fantastic. His woman is about to walk and he is doing what? He preemptively breaks up with her? Does that look like a man in love? And then calls her to lure her back and is still wishy-washy about it?
What more proof is needed here? I would take them over the OP anyday. They ultimately have less power in a relationship. GWTF: I agree. But I am finding it extremely strange how out of hand people are dismissing the actions. I dunno. Both are needed. But it seems like the words matter way more to most here.
And that I find odd. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like Chance agrees with Callie again. Actions do speak much louder than words. In fact, on a broader scale, people throw around words and take words way too seriously in our society these days. Also, GWTF said:. I would think that consistent behavior would send the message loud and clear.
He always called, usually drove, was consistent, kept his word, introduced me to his parents, kids, and siblings, remembered me on holidays, took me away on vacation, introduced me to his friends and work colleagues, was kind to and interested in my son.
He was a gentleman and a wonderful son, brother and father. So a man can be a perfectly wonderful guy and treat a woman with consideration and respect, want to spend lots of time with her and still not love her.
Dating a year and a half no i love you
At some point, in the absence of words, actions are not enough. They reinforce and build on each other. But most of the women, and a good proportion of the men thought that waiting Some men have expressed that saying I love you comes with expectations attached to it. Do you think at At what point should a partner know you reasonably well enough to love who you are and how you make them feel?
No one is deciding how it should be for everyone else…. No problem. Not one woman here has said that. It should go without saying that women want to be in a relationship with men who genuinely love them and are able to express that.
My point is that, early on in the relationship, there is a strong likelihood that these are the only two options. If someone declares his love for another within 1. Speaking out of infatuation Referring to a more superficial concept of love Lying to himself Lying to you Not sure that what he is saying is the truth i.
Btw, there are many ways to express love. However, the women here who are being so closed-minded about this could possibly benefit from being more flexible. A proposal of marriage was never expected nor delivered at that stage. I feel connected to you. In a good relationship, I thought it was a given that how each of you feel at 6 months will be different than how you feel at 2 years or how you feel after 10 years of marriage.
Are you willing to go without sex for a year and a half to find out? Women NEED to feel loved. If I had to guess, to most people that means just a feeling of closeness and emotional attachment in the moment.
I am having a hard time seeing how a relationship where one person is so freaked out about acknowledging it is going to function well. I am really curious as to how you can be with someone so long and not express your feelings for them. What kind of a relationship is that?
I do not know a single guy who would agree with your stance. It is an emotion. One that a man either feels or he does not, and it does not take 18 months to develop. I would argue that a man who feels love and is incapable of verbally expressing it is in need of psychiatric assistance.
I do not see where the sex being good has anything to do with him loving or not loving her.
Sex and love are divorced in men. He either loves her, or he does not love her. It is fairly simple. In my humble opinion, a guy who truly loves a woman does not let her walk away without a fight, period, end of story. Having a woman that he truly loves walk away him is one of the few things that will bring a man to his knees. I can tell you from first hand experience that it is something that a man never forgets, and the women who follow a woman who devastates a man in this way often pay a heavy price.
The sex being good was one in a list of things that was working for them. Also he did fight for her. Yes he walked away but then he WAS brought to his knees.
And he did do what it took to get her back. Seems to me he is behaving exactly as you define a man who truly loves another woman. That is not remotely close to the response to which I was referring. To get a man to this point, he has to be in over-the-top emotional pain.
He knows that very few women will not put him on a timeline at his age.
Or, that they might not be a "soulmate" type of partner who you'll be with long- term. relationship and dating expert at Double Trust Dating tells Bustle, than a year to say "I love you," or they may not be the type who will ever. If you're not saying aloud (or at least to yourself) “I love you” to your mate they were dating three years (or more) before they truly fell in love. So, you've been in a relationship for a while now, and your partner hasn't If you feel that love for your partner, you should feel good about saying it, no matter be disciplined in his love and his timing of saying 'I love you,'" dating a year, it's time to open the lines of communication so that you are not left.
I am placing bets that he and VM will either split within the next six months, or she will still be facing what she is facing today. I hate to say it, but VM is not the one for him.
She is a placeholder in his life.
He won't say 'I love you' after a year. “We have been dating for a good 15 months and he has never said 'I love you' to me. I do not know what his problem is and.
As Tom10 mentioned, men pretty much know where a woman falls in the pecking order at the beginning of a relationship. A woman with whom a man falls in love is so different from the rest that it is difficult to ignore. I never stated that. I think both VM and her boyfriend have acted with integrity. Men do whatever they want. He has considered her feelings.
He cares about her. He enjoys being with her. I dated ONE man like this.
All of my friends have dated ONE man like this. It only takes one to learn your lesson. I thought you had stated it took you about 6 months. Well, KKit seems that the OP has made her choice that so happens to correspond with my professional recommendation. Nothing in her post made me think that was the case.
Want to be the CEO of your own love life? Do you think that all good relationships should start out easy? The ladies here recognize that VM has not been the CEO of her own love life as of yet, in this particular relationshipthat she has settled for less than she deserves, and that this relationship has not been easy.
So the notion that romantic chemistry and love could grow with time is a bit foreign to some. Please note, this is not a blanket generalization and I am NOT alleging that all women think this way. The fact that he let VM walk away tells me that he does not love her.